Breaking Bad News in an Age-Appropriate Way

I recently had a parent approach me and ask for advice about how to talk with her 1st grade son (who happens to be on the Autism Spectrum) about his 12-year-old cousin's death. She had originally told him that she died from a bad cold that didn't get better. The truth was, she had killed herself. He didn't buy her story about the cold, and she knew he would likely find out the truth from his other cousins, so she decided to tell him.

For those of you who don't know me, I am a 4th year elementary school counselor and NOT a morning person. This conversation with his mom was happening at 7:20 in the morning, and I was at a loss for words. My best advice for new school counselors is always to find an experienced mentor (or three, in my case). I knew that this was a situation in which I needed to call upon my mentors -- my co-counselor and school-based clinician from my previous school, and a former colleague who is an expert on Autism Spectrum Disorders. I was able to reach them right away (because they are amazing, responsive, and extremely helpful), and they walked me through how to advise this mom. After collecting all of their advice, I carefully composed an email to the mother.

It was suggested that I share that email so other counselors can use the information to help parents in need. Please feel free to adapt this information to help your students. If you have been in this situation before and have other thoughts about how to help parents and children through a situation like this, please feel free to leave comments below. Thank you to my mentors for their help in this situation, and always.


Here are some thoughts to help you guide your conversation:

• You can base the whole conversation on the questions he asks, or you can decide ahead of time that you will tell him all of this. It is sometimes better to let him guide the conversation and only get the information he is looking for by asking questions. You might want to write down talking points or phrases so you don't lose your train of thought.

• You also should consider whether you want to have a support person there when you tell him (i.e. myself, his special educator, a family member -- but at most 2 adults total). I would also recommend practicing first and even role playing with someone (I am available to do that with you if you want), so you can practice responding to his questions. It's also important to make sure that his dad (and any other adults you have a little bit of control over) is sending the same messages you are.

• You could also have him draw a picture to start the conversation and that might give you an idea of how much he knows already. You could ask him to draw a picture about what he's thinking about when he thinks about his cousin.

• It is important to use the words "killed herself", not "we lost her" or "she passed away". Even if it sounds harsh, anything else can be misunderstood. We also don't use the phrase, "committed suicide" anymore because it references back to when it was a crime. It might be helpful to talk more about death and explain that death means she is not here anymore, she is not breathing or talking, her body is not a living body.

• He might ask why -- feel free to answer this (i.e. "She felt really sad/mad/upset and she thought that it wouldn't ever get better. She hadn't learned that it always gets better, but you know that -- you know that it always gets better." You can give an example like, "Remember when you thought getting a shot at the doctor was going to be the worst thing ever? And then it was over so quick and you felt better soon. It always gets better!" This would also be a place to talk about how you wished she had talked to you about feeling so sad, because you always can find solutions to problems, and if you don't know a solution, you know who to ask for help. There is always someone to ask for help. You can have him list or draw a picture of all of the people he knows who he can ask for help or talk to. Focus on how there are lots of helpers.

• He might ask how she killed herself -- two options: 
• 1) You can make it a rule that he only talks to adults about this, which might prevent him finding out from his cousins. If his cousin's parents are on board, they can make this rule, and then you can give them all the language to use if a kid tries to talk to them about it -- "I am only allowed to talk about this with adults. If you need to talk about it right now, you can find an adult." And if they don't stop, he can go find an adult. If you think this will work and he won't find out about it, you can say that it's not something adults talk to 1st graders about because it will be too upsetting. The HOW is something only adults talk about. 
• 2) If you think he will definitely hear about it from his cousins, you could use language like - "She choked herself and she stopped breathing." If he asks for more details, you can say you don't know, you weren't there and didn't see it, all you know is that she choked herself and stopped breathing. 

• He might ask why you lied -- you can say that that was probably a mistake because you know he is so smart. You could say, "I didn't know what to say to you about it, I didn't have the words, and now I figured it out." 

• You should talk about behaviors and feelings that might come up for him (i.e. anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, etc.). When he has behaviors that you think might be linked to how he is feeling about this, you can point that out and talk about how your feelings affect your body, even when you don't know that is what you're feeling/thinking about. 

• It is important to try not to glorify it by saying things like, "She is in a better place. She is happy now," etc. We don't want him to think that killing yourself is a ticket to a better place.

• At the end of the conversation, make sure to say -- "You are going to have other questions -- come to me and ask them. If I don't have the answer, I'll find it out. You can also talk to (the people he listed above)." You can talk about how this is something private. It is not a secret, but you only talk about private things with adults. You can give the example of how if he was having something going wrong with him in the bathroom, it's not a secret, but he wouldn't walk into the classroom and tell all of his friends about it. It is private. 

I hope this is helpful. I have copied his school team on this email so we can use the same language at school if he asks about it after you have told him. If you could let us know when you tell him, that would be great.

Thanks so much for reaching out, and I am so sorry you have to go through this. Let me know what else we can do to help. I will also look into finding an outside counselor for him, as you requested.

Regaining Confidence

With exactly one week left of summer before I am back in my office for my second year as an elementary school counselor in Vermont, right up until my shower (where I do some of my best reflection) last night, I was feeling even more overwhelmed than I was last year at this time. As my fantastic co-counselor/mentor/friend/lifesaver, Rebecca, pointed out, this was because last year, I was oblivious. I didn't know what I wasn't prepared for. This year, I'll have about 40 additional students, more responsibility, and as Johnathon, a "fellow" school counselor so aptly pointed out on his blog, less room for error. As he wrote, "Last year was new and shiny. If I made a mistake, it was easy to revert back to the ol' 'oh I'm new- whoops!'" I also have the weight on my shoulders of everything that I didn't get to this summer. I had a long, unrealistic list of things that I wanted to accomplish this summer (including two 4-day conferences and course work for 4 credits), not recognizing that I would really need the time to decompress and re-energize after a challenging (but fulfilling) first year.

Once I accepted the fact that I would be going into the school year with that long list of things to do (okay, I'll be honest, there's actually at least 4 lists) still hanging out in my folder, I also had to remind myself of my own blog post from February, and Rebecca's "pep talk" from the School Counseling on Air Back to School Chat (which I'm literally watching AS I write this blog post (multitasking queen)).

My current workspace
(note the broken laptop monitor --
apparently the year took a beating on it too).

I do A LOT. And even on days that I don't feel like I got a lot done, I was there, and I was a comforting person, and I gave a boost to someone. So I may not have written up my Drugs and Alcohol Abuse Prevention Unit for Rebecca to use this year, or decided on a way to keep notes on students, or prepared for our presentation at the VT School Counselor Association conference this year, but I am going to be there on the first day of school, refreshed and ready to give hugs and high fives to my "old" students, dry my new kindergarten students' (and parents') tears, and calm nerves, just by being a familiar, helpful face.

There were so many awesome moments at the end of the school year last year that made me realize that just being there is enough, from thank you notes and hugs from parents and my 5th graders, to a little moment at field day, when one of my neediest 1st graders was looking around for someone to help him open his popsical wrapper and when he locked eyes with me, he said to himself, "Oh, yeah, Miss Wheeler. She always helps me because she's nice." It wasn't particularly grand or eloquent, but for some reason, it really hit me. I'm nice, and I help. And if that's all my students learned from me last year, that was enough.

And with that, I'm ready (and excited) to start my second year. Maybe I'll even remember to take time to blog :-).

Snow Day Reflections on Time

As I sat, bundled up in my bed on this snow-less snowday, the time slipped by, and before I knew it, it was 3:00pm and I had gotten (essentially) nothing done (other than clean my room, eat some scrambled eggs, watch The Holiday, and play Words with Friends). This realization brought me to another -- every day of the work week, I have accomplished so much by 3:00pm, something I love about my job.

By 3:00pm on a typical day, I've taught at least one (usually two) class council lesson, run at least two (usually three) lunch groups, scarfed down my breakfast, tea, and (if I'm lucky) my lunch, seen at least three (usually four) kids individually, consulted (at least briefly, and sometimes, at length) with all eight of the classroom teachers in grades 1, 3, and 5, spoken multiple times with my co-counselor, the principal, the school-based clinician, the behavioral gurus, the secretary, the nurse, and others, and usually attended at least one (but almost always more than one) meeting.

I've checked my email, zipped coats, responded to concerned parents, tied shoes, made referrals to outside counselors, comforted 1st graders ashamed of new glasses and 5th graders questioning their identity, prepped for the next day's individual, group, and classroom sessions/lessons/meetings, laughed a lot, observed students in classrooms, had tough conversations, helped implement behavior plans, decorated bulletin boards (who am I kidding, I haven't changed a bulletin board since November or December), responded to crises, and pushed Kindergarteners (who pretend they don't know how to pump) on the swings at recess duty.

And sometimes, it's just nice to write all of that down. Maybe I'll come back and look at this on the days where I feel like I'm not doing enough. I could always be doing more, but I'm confident that I'm doing a lot, I'm doing the best I can, and I'm developing strong relationships with lots of my students. And that will have to be enough for now.

Three Lessons for a Busy Thursday

Lessons learned:

1) Call, don't email, when parents are upset about something, even if they emailed you. Pick up the phone.

2) Five positive parent conversations can help to balance out one not-so-positive conversation.

3) The Social Thinking curriculum rocks, and everyone should use it. Never have I ever seen more kids admit their own faults than I have in the past two weeks. Seriously, check it out. Superflex works miracles.

And one more for good measure: 

4) Even pig-tailed, pink jacket wearing kindergarten girls are not above taking someone down for messing with their heavily guarded (by sitting on it like a mother hen) rock collection at recess.

That's so funny that I thought I'd have time to write a blog! ;-)

Open House

My co-counselor and I have lots of new ideas for our Open House on Tuesday. Just one of our ideas was to use some new fonts (from http://www.kevinandamanda.com/fonts/) to create a poster to illustrate what we do. Like we did with the "Be" bulletin board, we will print the words on colored paper and cut them out to paste on poster board.

Here is a link to the pdf in case you want to do the same!

An example:

Pinterest

Here's a link to my Pinterest School Counseling Board: http://pinterest.com/amster526/school-counseling-ideas/. When I have a spare minute (yeah, right...), I am going to try to organize these ideas into a binder, maybe on LiveBinders.com or I may cut them out and organize them on paper, as suggested here. Unfortunately, I've done a lot more "pinning" than "doing" of these ideas... Totally overwhelmed by the wealth of ideas and resources! But I have a week of 8 classroom lessons, at least 9 lunch groups, 5 meetings, and a fitness class (hosted at the school for $4!) ahead of me, so organization will have to happen another night!